The ultimate guide to the Republican Presidential candidate field, summarized via Game of Thrones
Game of Thrones Season 5 is over, but there’s
an eerie similarity with Republican Presidential candidates: spineless
powermongers, morally deficient zealots, gratuitous misogynists. This should
make the next 40 weeks go by easier.
Let’s see who’s who:
WALDER FREY
Dumb, crude and crass; most famous for a hoard of ugly daughters; marries the pretty one off before committing treason of the highest degree, stabbing a would-be ally –an honest and intrepid soul with moral convictions- straight in the back, making him the ridicule of the land. Hasn’t been around the last few seasons but a return is inevitable.
SARAH PALIN
WHITE WALKERS
Mysterious sorcerers from frozen wastelands. Able to raise an army of millions out of brainless dead folks simply by raising his hand. Willing to mercilessly lay waste to Westeros to pursue her own, unknown, and completely hidden agenda with absolutely no regard whatsoever to the carnage he will spread to the rest of us; has really freaky eyes.
MICHELLE BACHMAN
SCOTT WALKER
*
STANNIS BARATHEON
Strongest claim to power is identity politics. Indignant. Willing to burn his own brethren at the stake because a sexy red-head told him to. Thinks he has the backing of an army, but they promptly desert him after witnessing how repugnant he is. Nevertheless forges ahead, only to be obliterated in the first battle by a much stronger –and crazier- foe. Can’t wait till he’s gone.
BEN CARSON
THE HIGH SPARROW
Claiming to be a simple servant to God/a god/some gods, his only following is a cluster of zealots outside his enclave who fill his heads with illusions of righteous supremacy. Though secretly takes pleasure in judging others, he claims to just follow a higher calling. After a recent, but assuredly brief, victory over a foe, his name will be forever synonymous with excrement.
RICK SANTORUM
ROOSE BOLTON
Spineless, moral-less, backstabbing, double crossing. Has no qualms aligning with repugnant factions thinking it makes him more powerful, but is ultimately short sighted. Fathered a bastard son who delights in torture almost as much as he does. This really could be any of the Republican candidates, but his arrogant air of superiority makes one really stand out.
TED CRUZ
HODOR
Hulking giant with a limited vocabulary, utters only grunts that can be interpreted as “gubba”, “guns”, ‘god’. Unable to think for himself, strictly follows others:
MIKE HUCKABEE
MARGAERY TYRELL
Mostly benevolent and popular; willing to fuck anyone for power. Finding out that the asexual religious zealots can’t be appeased with sexual favors, and is thrown into deep shit.
CHRIS CHRISTIE
BRONN
Isn't really isn’t in it to win, just likes the fame, money, and chicks that the spotlight brings. Kinda fun, will be sad when his time comes.
RICK PERRY
JOFFREY BARATHEON
Buffoonish clown. Fantasizing for years about ruling, not caring to his low approval ratings. Eventually downfall met with cries of joy around the world. Delights in torturing women.
LINDSAY GRAHAM
PETYR BAELISH
He's seven steps ahead of everyone else and making quiet back room deals to consolidate power. Isn’t above the occasional murder or unholy alliance. Runs whorehouses but doesn’t actually have sex.
BOBBY JINDAL
BRAN STARK
One of the crazier characters, still has charisma, but his strategy is to wander into the winter wasteland and commune with some unearthly spirits, thinking it’s going to give him supernatural powers. Has to rely on Hodor for everything. Not a good sign.
RAND PAUL
RICKON STARK
Who is this guy? Is he still in the show? Where has he been for the last few years? You think he’ll make a comeback? Wouldn’t be surprising if the next season, he wonders into Winterfell thinking it’s home and is ruthlessly dismembered by the Boltons.
GEORGE PATAKI
DAENERYS TARGARYEN
The last surviving member of a former family dynasty that has become loathed across the land. Self-exiled to a far-away land to quietly honed leadership skills, she thinks she can just waltz back to the motherland and redeem her name.
JEB BUSH
CERSEI LANNISTER
Has everything one needs to successfully rule: opulent wealth, executive experience, a certifiably bat-shit crazy kid, and unrelentless lust for power. Hasn’t been through the ringer yet, and is about to get stripped naked and doused in feces while being paraded in front of the angry mobs who really hate her. She will exact her revenge with a mountainous, zombie henchmen, but it won’t be enough to prevent her eventual demise:
CARLY FIORINA
THEON GREYJOY
Was a total asshole until he had his genitals severed by an even bigger asshole. Now is hobbling along for reasons unknown. We really can’t wait until he’s put out of his misery.
MARCO RUBIO
RAMSAY BOLTON
Sadistic and torturous henchman of the ruling party, he gained a reputation for mutilating his foes, torturing his captors, and hunting down ex-lovers with wild dogs. Not really in it to win, but to just further his own self-interests, like promoting his casinos and reality TV shows. Seriously, what's worse, a fictional character who flays people alive, or an actual presidential candidate who uses hate-filled stump speeches that demonize an entire ethnic group?
DONALD TRUMP
And in the spirit of bipartisanship
SANSA STARK
Watched her beloved be beheaded by power-tripping egomaniacs who proceeded to drive the country into oblivion. Whisked away from the resulting chaos and death, as staying in the capitol would have meant her demise. Now she’s been married off to a disgustingly murderous villain and has no friends, save an obsessed fan with character issues of her own.
HILLARY CLINTON
TYRION LANNISTER
The most sensible guy in the lot, no one takes him seriously because his funny looks, excessive drunkenness, and whoremongering. Came to power reluctantly despite his best interests to just get high with the hippie chicks of his far-off mountainous kingdom. Ridiculed and alienated by the ruling elite, he’s been repeatedly vindicated but nonetheless still ostracized. May actually have the best interest of the people of the land at heart. Now, if only people would listen to him, we might be able to get out of this nightmare alive.
BERNIE SANDERS
HIZDAHR ZO LORAQ
Want to unite people, killed by his own kind. Totally pronounceable name.
JIM WEBB
MYRCELLA BARATHEON
Poor little princess thinks all she has to return home and she’ll be crowned. We’ll see how that works out for her.
LINCOLN CHAFEE
ARYA STARK
Started off as such a sweet kid, but years in hiding turned her into a ruthless assassin. Holds grudges, usually against people who deserve it. Now truly fucked up and only in it for revenge, which is sad cause she had so much promise.
MARTIN O’MALLEY
