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| No one ever looks like this. |
It’s well into the
second half, past 10pm on a Thursday night.
Two very yet equally
unskilled adult co-ed adult teams -red and white- are battling zero-zero.
Red team lobs the ball down the field in an attack.
The only skilled player on the field -a woman on the red team who initially looked like a supermodel until she got the ball at her feet- goes chasing after it fast and strong. Judging from her skill, she clearly played select as a youth, but suspect she didn’t play in college.
The defender on the
white team -a big guy and not horribly unskilled, just moderately so- races
over to clear it.
From my angle 20 yards
behind them, I distinctly see the woman fearlessly throw her shoulder into the
guy in an attempt to shield the ball.
She’s about 5’4, 110lbs.
He’s 6’1, probably 190.
They both collapse. She
stays on the ground a little bit longer.
What’s the call?
*** *** *** *** ***
Before we continue,
let’s reflect on a millennia of humankind. Since they first morphed from newts
into modern humans, men and women have been battling.
Men (to make a huge
generalization) have always been larger than women, and women have always had
to battle (in whatever sense of the word you want to use) bigger, stronger men.
Thus size of a guy has
never been a deterrent.
Thus, women have had to
employ other techniques to battle a larger antagonist. Hitting below the belt.
Psychological and emotional warfare. Pulling hair. Shooting lazer beams from
their eyes. Whatever it takes.
Conversely, when two
guys battle, they make an assessment: either, “this guy about my size, I can
take him on.” or, “Whoa! This guy is much bigger than me, no way I can win in a
fair fight”.
Women don’t make such an
assessment. Battling bigger guys is in their DNA. It’s part of the battle of
the sexes that’s ingrained in all of us.
Fast forward to modern
day co-ed soccer, and the situation isn’t much different, and far too often an
aggressive, fearless woman takes on a guy much larger than her.
Basic laws of physics
(remember that lesson in high school about the fly colliding with a train?) say
when two objects collide, the larger one remains standing.
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| This kinda has something to do with it. |
And when a much smaller
woman collides with a much larger man in a bottom division co-ed game, the
initial reaction of some is to scream “He fouled!”
But did he? Can a woman
throw herself at a guy and not be called for it? (Insert joke about woman
throwing herself at me...)
Of course not! She
fouled HIM! Had she not so recklessly charged, she wouldn’t’ve gone down,
wouldn’t’ve injured herself. Just cause you’re smaller doesn’t give you carte
blanche to go all tasmanian devil on the opposition.
I had a very similar
incident just a few weeks early: tiny, skilled, and aggressive woman throwing
herself at a much larger guy. Both went down, but it was obviously her fault.
In both instances, the team of the fouler (the woman’s team) were furious.
“How is that possible
that she fouled HIM! he’s so much bigger!”
THE TRUTH, HOWEVER: the
minute I saw her I had two thoughts: “Oh my God she’s beautiful."
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| Kinda like this hot, but with a soccer ball |
I also wondered if I could recruit her for my own team, two positive indications that I would fuck up bad.
Sure enough, my junior
high school days returned to curse me yet again.
