A day in the life of a co-ed referee

No one ever looks like this.

It’s well into the second half, past 10pm on a Thursday night.

Two very yet equally unskilled adult co-ed adult teams -red and white- are battling zero-zero.

Red team lobs the ball down the field in an attack.

The only skilled player on the field -a woman on the red team who initially looked like a supermodel until she got the ball at her feet- goes chasing after it fast and strong. Judging from her skill, she clearly played select as a youth, but suspect she didn’t play in college.

The defender on the white team -a big guy and not horribly unskilled, just moderately so- races over to clear it.

From my angle 20 yards behind them, I distinctly see the woman fearlessly throw her shoulder into the guy in an attempt to shield the ball.

She’s about 5’4, 110lbs. He’s 6’1, probably 190.

They both collapse. She stays on the ground a little bit longer.

What’s the call?

***        ***        ***        ***        ***

Before we continue, let’s reflect on a millennia of humankind. Since they first morphed from newts into modern humans, men and women have been battling.

Men (to make a huge generalization) have always been larger than women, and women have always had to battle (in whatever sense of the word you want to use) bigger, stronger men.

Thus size of a guy has never been a deterrent.

Thus, women have had to employ other techniques to battle a larger antagonist. Hitting below the belt. Psychological and emotional warfare. Pulling hair. Shooting lazer beams from their eyes. Whatever it takes.

Conversely, when two guys battle, they make an assessment: either, “this guy about my size, I can take him on.” or, “Whoa! This guy is much bigger than me, no way I can win in a fair fight”.

Women don’t make such an assessment. Battling bigger guys is in their DNA. It’s part of the battle of the sexes that’s ingrained in all of us.

Fast forward to modern day co-ed soccer, and the situation isn’t much different, and far too often an aggressive, fearless woman takes on a guy much larger than her.

Basic laws of physics (remember that lesson in high school about the fly colliding with a train?) say when two objects collide, the larger one remains standing.

This kinda has something to do with it.

And when a much smaller woman collides with a much larger man in a bottom division co-ed game, the initial reaction of some is to scream “He fouled!”

But did he? Can a woman throw herself at a guy and not be called for it? (Insert joke about woman throwing herself at me...)

Of course not! She fouled HIM! Had she not so recklessly charged, she wouldn’t’ve gone down, wouldn’t’ve injured herself. Just cause you’re smaller doesn’t give you carte blanche to go all tasmanian devil on the opposition.

I had a very similar incident just a few weeks early: tiny, skilled, and aggressive woman throwing herself at a much larger guy. Both went down, but it was obviously her fault. In both instances, the team of the fouler (the woman’s team) were furious.

“How is that possible that she fouled HIM! he’s so much bigger!”

THE TRUTH, HOWEVER: the minute I saw her I had two thoughts: “Oh my God she’s beautiful." 

Kinda like this hot, but with a soccer ball

I also wondered if I could recruit her for my own team, two positive indications that I would fuck up bad.

Sure enough, my junior high school days returned to curse me yet again.

Fake Blog of the Day: Shakira is my baby-mama

I'm not Gerard Pique, but if I was, this is what my blog would be about.

What is it like being one of the world's most popular athletes, married to one of the world's hottest I mean, best and most famous singers?

You'd be surprised to learn that our life is quite mundane. We have the same trials and tribulations as any married couple. Trying to find a decent babysitter on a Friday night. Where to spend Christmas this year, Barcelona or Bogota? And of course, the challenges of maintaining the libido of two of the world's most sexiest people.

I'll be planning here to blog about my personal life, but under the pseudonym, "Insatiable Curmugeonry". It'll allow me to share a private side and hopefully you'll see how regular things are with me and Shakiriqui.  First, I have to go to work, today against AC Milan. I tell, what about of fops! These guys certainly care too much about their hair.

Speaking of short cute kids, look how small this team is! They're so cute! I love throwing them u pin the air like I do my own child. Messi has the most delightful giggle mid-air.

Out with one Fredy, in with another

Let me be the first to say it: Freddy Adu to the Seattle Sounders.

Photo credits: Getty images

Like my other predictions, I'm just putting this out there both as a hope and to say "I told you so!" if it does happen.

Unlike my other fantasies (I’m still holding out on Didier Drogba, but admit that Puyol and Guardiola are long shots), this one is somewhat based on reality. Sounders have a spot on their roster; Adu needs a team. The pay scale and position actually seem to fit*! 
All that needs to be done is to add a ‘d’ to all those  “Fredy” posters.

But it’s more than coincidental and complementary needs and a really bad joke. 
This pairing needs to happen to make Adu the player he’s supposed to be.

Just like Eddie Johnson.


Yes, Adu had a bad year at Philly, but that can hardly be blamed on him. Philly’s breakdown was so ugly and so public, even my mom heard of it**. It wasn’t a healthy, happy team. Adu needs a healthy and happy team.

Adu did have a horrible spell abroad (my mom probably heard about that too***), but that’s why he should sign with the Sounders.

Schmidt and Co. displayed their brilliance in signing Eddie Johnson. Like Adu, EJ was a youth prodigy; like Adu, he went to Europe to hit it big. Like Adu, he flopped badly.

And then he met Sigi, signed with the Sounders, and started shining brightly again, capping his return to stardom by single-handedly saving the US from certain global humiliation by losing to some tiny Caribbean nation so small and insignificant, I can’t bother remembering which one.

I have my bias: I want Adu to succeed; but great skill alone does not a great player make. Coaching is amount about attitude as it is physical ability. Schmidt proved that he can coach former child prodigies who are still far too young to be washed up and make him the player he was destined to be. (That’s a very convoluted way of saying “Eddie Johnson”).

That’s why they should sign Adu.

* I really know nothing about this, but from outward appearances, they do seem to match.
**That’s an exaggeration.
**Also an exaggeration.

Sounders Solutions 2013!

I’ve had a very long drive with nothing to think about, so I concocted the following scenario that would ensure a successful Sounders seasons in 2013:

-GIVEN that owner Joe Roth likes to throw big money around (have you seen the movies he made? Ain’t cheap to produce!)
-GIVEN that Roth wants big money in return
-HOPING that Roth is in this for long-term results
-ASSUMING that Roth wants to make a HUGE, MAJOR impact on not only North American soccer, but the global scene…

I offer this:
-Sigi is dropped.
-Montero and Alonso traded to Europe for a nice price.
-Rosales, Parke and Hurtado traded (but for not nearly as much)

In return:
Roth hires the best available coach in the world: Pep Guardiola.
Not only to coach the Sounders, but model them after the best team in the world.
To accomplish this, Pep brings over 3 products of Barcelona: Puyol, Xavi, and David Villa.

BAM!
You want to make an impact, Roth, then this is how you do it.

Sounders Roster Predictions 2013

Here’s a complete biased and unsubstantiated prediction of Sounders 2013: who’s staying, who’s leaving.

I know nearly nothing about the inner-working of MLS player/team management, but I predicted in 2009 that Sounders would/should sign Eddie Johnson (It was a logical choice: Sounders needed someone with USNMT, preferably World Cup experience, they needed a forward, and someone not-too expensive. Johnson was spiraling downwards in Europe and needed to come back to the US). I didn’t put it into cyberspace so my claims of clairvoyance have been dismissed. I dont’ want that to happen again.

I’ll try channeling Nat Silver, but again, have no statistical analysis whatsoever to back these statements up. Probably leaving; probably staying; leans towards... solid... toss-up.

If I knew how to caption photos, I'd say "Hasta el Ozzie Siempre..."

Gspurning: Solid staying
Proven to be a great signing and replacement for Keller. Expect him to be here for a while.

Johansson: toss-up
A slightly better trade-up from Riley, but only slightly. Not sure how he likes Seattle. Friberg’s sudden off-season departure last year, and Ljungberg’s brief stint in town makes me think the Swedes just don't like Seattle. That’s not a bad thing.

Parke: toss-up
I sense some unease between Parke and the bosses. Remember him being benched for a couple weeks earlier this season? Remember his angry tweets about being benched? Remember how he saved Seattle’s ass on more than one occasion? When Sigi doesn’t like someone, they tend to leave (Marshall). Parke’s been great... but...

Hurtado: toss-up
Never returned to his pre-ACL tear days. On a slow but steady descent. I don’t think Sigi would scrape his two starting center backs, but he would if he could.

Scott: probably stays
He’s been here too long, his chances of getting picked up by another club are slim. I think he’ll stick around for another season or two before retiring.

Tiffert: toss-up
He joined mid-season; for a third of that, he was DP material. Another third, unnoticeable and the final third he flopped when we needed him the most (RSL, round 1 vs LAG). He could go either way, but it would be nice to have a real DP.

Alonso: solid leaving
Ozzie is the biggest chunk of gold in the entire league. Until this year one thing kept him from being picked up by a big Euro team: a useless Cuban passport. Now that he’s a US citizen, though, doors are opening. My fantasy is Barcelona, but he’s too physical. It’d be nice if he played in EPL, a mid-league team (knowing nothing about EPL, I’ll just shoot here: Everton or Fulham). Hasta luego, companero, te queramos para siempre.

Evans: solid staying
Sigi loves Evans. That’s the only apparent explanation as to why he stayed here as long as he has. Luckily, he’s improved, but not to the level that another team would want him.

Zakuani: solid staying
Two years ago, Zakuani’s prospects were much like Alonso’s: the Sounders a mere stepping stone to greater glory in Europe. Then the tragedy happened. The semi-final finally saw him near pre-injury level, which is good cause I can’t image the Sounders getting rid of him. He’ll be here a while.

Johnson: solid staying
Obviously, Sigi’s biggest mistake of the year was not playing Johnson in round 1 vs LAG. Given his greatest success this year was signing Johnson in the first place, I guess that balances it out. Johnson should win comeback of the year -his return to MLS directly resulted in saving the entire nation from a humiliating loss against Antigua. It’s hard for me to imagine what an emotional rollercoaster this guy has been on: a star at 17, playing in the world cup, then moving to Europe and bombing out in the worst way (punctuated with an unsavory appearance in the tabloids). To go through that esteem-breaking trajectory, only to be given a second chance, a chance that paid in spades... Johnson is endebted to Sigi. They wont’ want him to leave, he won’t want to leave, and he’s turning into the biggest star on the team, a connection to the national team that the Sounders have always deserved and wanted/needed. He’s here for a while.

Montero: probably leaving
My friend after the game revealed that she still hates Montero. He hasn’t won every heart in Seattle yet, after 3 years. He played great tonight... but tonight. He’s dangerous, but... he’s been given his trial in Seattle. Has he proven himself for Euro-teams? Who knows. Could go either way.

SUBS

Estrada: Solid staying
Like Evans, Sigi loves David. That love finally proved itself this season. An injury put the breaks on a stellar beginning of the season, but he’s shown his value, and he won’t want to leave.

Martinez: Probably leaving... change that: toss up.
A loan-player doesn’t make a playoff winning golazo without getting a full contract offer in return. But I think the Sounders are but a blip on what will be a phenomenal career. Other teams are watching, and one of them might beat out Sounders offer. Not to question my own prediction, but here’s another fantasy scenario: Sounders pick up him in 2013 as a full player on a two year contract. The first year, he leads Honduras to qualify. The second year, he’s part of a respectable (better than what most people predict, elimination in round 2) of the World Cup, in which he catches the attention of Barcelona. I really want a Sounder to be picked up by FCB and vice-versa; Martinez this the most likely on the list.

Rosales: leans to leaving
He had a great half season of captaincy. He’s getting old, slow, and is injury-prone. A best-case scenario for 2013 is that he misses half the season to one ailment or another. Not great prospects.

UNUSED SUBS

Hahnemann: solid staying.
Marcus will end his career with a full season with the Sounders in 2013, during which he’ll get a handful of starts, but never overtake Gspurning for the #1 slot. I can imagine him tending net to the Sounders 4th Open Cup Victory, which would be a nice icing on cake.

Ochoa: probably leaves.
Sounders need options for forwards, Ochoa is slightly better than Jaqua, but... slightly better than Jaqua. Estrada’s injury gave him a chance to prove himself, and he didn’t prove himself to be worth much. We need someone better.

Gonzalez: leans to leaving
It’s good to have 2 solid left defenders, and zach scott to fill in as needed. Yet he’s always been on the short list of transfers. For as long as he’s been with the team, he hasn’t become a stalwart, feature player. Expendable. LEANS TO LEAVING

And now the rest of the team...

Burch: I can’t help but thinking how this guy won the #1 left back position, and then gets suspended for using a homophobic slur. He plays for Seattle, which voted 80% for gay marriage. The irony. PROBABLY STAYS

Carrasco: Didn’t have a great season in 2012. We have too many midfielders. His greatest asset is his girlfriend. PROBABLY LEAVES

Caskey: Played horribly in the LAG game 1; had a decent season otherwise. We have too many midfielders, and if you lined them all up, as I probably should, he’d be ranked... Probably traded too another team where he’ll start consistently. PROBABLY LEAVES. UPDATE! I listed the mid-fielders. With the prospect of losing Alonso, Rosales, and Tiffert, we'll probably keep Caskey. PROBABLY STAYS.

Cato: decent season, some starts, some subs, then got pushed out by a healthy choice of midfielders. He’s young and promising. I'm gonna guess that he stay. PROBABLY STAYS.

Duran (D): I never saw this guy play. Telling that when we were short a defender, we played in a midfielder instead (Seamon). PROBABLY LEAVES.

Ford: Like midfielders, Sounders have too many keepers (5). I think Ford is tied for 3rd with Meredith. PROBABLY STAYS.

Ianni: It’s good to have three solid starting center backs. I remember when I used to call hims “Cringe”. SOLID STAYS

Meredith: I'm torn between him and Ford. He had a chance (Ford didn't) and blew it (Ford didn't). TOSS UP.

Rose: So, doing the math, Sounders have 11 midfielders; currently Rose is ranked seventh in pecking order, but losing Alonso, Rosales, and Tiffert brings him to 4th. Not a bad place. SOLID STAYS.

The end of the roster is filled with a bunch of young guys who haven’t played much, if at all. My predictions are weaker here (cause they are so strong in the rest of the piece!) and amount to gut instinct, and whether Sigi wants a team or potential stars (like Evans and Estrada) or if these guys just ain’t going to hack it/will want to play for a lower team where they’ll get more minutes.

Seamon (M): Did he finally have a come-back? Will he pull an Estrada? Or remain more like Stephen King? Though he made waves with a surprising cameo in defense against RSL, I think the Sounders will want stronger midfielders as reserves, and Seamon will want to play more. A starting role with New England, perhaps. LEANS TO LEAVING.

Sodade (F): I have no idea, but he’s only 22. TOSS UP.

Steres (D): Likewise, only 22. Don’t know enough. A cheap reserve player that shows promise? TOSS UP.

Tetteh (M): has been with the Sounders 2 years now, and played against ManU. TOSS UP.

Weber: (G): if you have 5 goalies and need to get rid of at least one, do you cut the 30 year old, or one of the two 23 year olds? TOSS UP.

There you have it. Now may the dice roll...