Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Missoula Chronicles, July 30, 2013

Oh B, the presents you have awaiting for them to meet your eyes as they explode with joyous tears and celebration!

Oh, the joy! Oh, the humanity!

Wanna guess?

Nah, don't guess.


I'm wondering how many gifts to bring you. There are so many! You're going to like them so much!

Ahem. How are you?

We cleared out a major chunk of the garage today, and by major I mean maybe a four foot wide stretch from the path to the wall, covered in bolts and parts and air filters (8 o them, none of them one of yours surprises) windshield wipers (6, again none for you) and... Junk. It's just junk.

We launched the endeavor because we heard that there a large box underneath everythig that had been sitting there since the 50s. Uncle bought it'd take 3 days and its supposed to rain so be didn't want to do it. Boy did we show him. After an hour of digging while he was at work we abandoned it got lunch and went for a short hike up the rattlesnake. We came back to find him almost done. Mom tip toed between two engine blocks to open the crate, to find another dozen paintings from grandma.

Including nudes!


There are hornets all over the place.

So we're sitting in the from yard. Mom and uncle are reminiscing. I'm writing you. We'd like to sit around the picnic table in the backyard but uncle says its buried in the storage container siting in the front yard. I ask what's in it, and he says art supplies, yard sale stuff, and generator and then Launches into some sort of diatribe and CMEs , which is some sort of giant solar emission from the sun that's going to wipe out all electronics, and how the container is a sort of safe box for that.


We have a long ways to go.

How are you?

Monday, July 29, 2013

Greetings from Missoula

I'm dying to corner a stranger at Charlie's or the Old Post or down by the tracks, give them a box of wine and say "I just got back from my uncle the hoarder's house. Sit down, new friend, I got you a story to tell..."  
That was my trademark when I went to school here: cornering roommates, classmates, friends, complete strangers at various bars, and saying "holy shit, let me tell you about my grandma's house..."  

(Technical note: then she died, 10 years ago now, and my uncle -who always lived with her and took care of her and was one of those asexual people who had his first girlfriend 3 years after grandma died when he was about 62 years old, a nice woman who unfortunately told me what I always knew but never wanted to hear "it's not very often you find a 62 year old virgin..."- lives there.)

ANYWay, tangent... yeah, where was I? 

Oh yeah, too bad you're not here. My one last friend in town took off for a few days, so I can't corner him and bring him gifts of tin boxes and buckets of bolts (I always bring 'friends' gifts when I visit them after being at the house. Sometimes it was paint -artsy expensive paint- other times it was batteries, food, bottles of homemade wine, jars of homemade jam, rolls of unused film, boxes of unread romance novels, cheap plastic replicas of fancy wooden ships that spine con men used to scam grandma out of money, the millions of dollars she won weekly from publisher's clearing house...


So yeah, I went there and my friend isn't in town to hear me de-brief, de-compress, and drink away the stress of "THIS IS MY DESTINY!" 

(I'm the sole heir of this legacy -the only grandchild, and with no children of my own, a fact that I'm beginning to think I might need to change, lest someone can help me clean up this shit. But hey, in the apocalypse comes, he's got enough guns to arm the whole rattlesnake, industrial metal to build blockades (which he thinks he's going to use to barter with. Have any use for a 200lb tube of structural steel?)

PS- the apocalypse will be Obama's doing, not of zombies, in case you didn't know.

So that's me! How are you?

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Another movie idea: Y2K, The Movie!

A 2015 version of the year 2000...

I had an idea for a great blockbuster movie with a novel twist.  Instead of a futuristic disaster/apocalyptic movie, like 2012, this is a reflective disaster/apocalyptic movie.

I present to you:  Y2K - THE MOVIE!

Yup, a 2013 vision of the epic world apocalyptic disaster that never happened.

Alas, I don’t have Roland Emmerich’s number, so I’m hoping someone here does.

MORE Importantly, I thought maybe I could throw this out there for creative feedback.  Where do I go from here? What should happen next?  

(Just please don’t steal my idea, take it to Hollywood and make millions without at least dropping my name in the credits.  Dolly Grip is fine)


IT STARTS WITH A SIMPLE INTERVIEW, a voiceover as  intro credits roll:

“Hi Tom Butler, is this Gary Smith with the Seattle P-I, I wanted to interview you about a rumor I’d heard...”

Tom Butler one of the founds of Microsoft and inventor of Windows:

“Yeah, it’s kind of funny, when we wrote all that code, we did it with 6 digit dates month, day, year, like 06-15-94.  But what happens when we come to the year two thousand, zero-zero?”

Reporter Gary Smith, not the sharpest pencil in the newsroom, shakes his head. He really doesn’t know what the hell this techie is talking about.

“No, I.. I don’t seem to follow...”, he says.

Butler gets serious, the tone in his voice drops: “Windows Operating System is used by 95% of the computers in the world in about every industry: personal, industrial, police departments, transportation controllers, air traffic control, defense systems.  All of them, you name it, they use Windows...”

“Yeah...” Smith says, eyes widening, mind becoming confused with fantasy.

“And all those computer have coded programs, coded with dates that end in two digits...”


“So what happens when 99 rolls over to 00?”

“I don’t know”.

“Ha!” laughs Butler, mood suddenly light.  “Neither do we!  We have no idea!  We’re working on it right now.  it was a horrible lack of foresight in a -what we then thought- was a minor detail: the dates on the coding of the computers. All these computers that now run the world.  What will happen?”

Smith’s mind has grasped the concept and is starting to run with it. “What?”

“That’s just it! we don’t know!  We’re working on it.  I mean, it could be nothing.  BUT, conceivably, it could be HUGE!  I mean, the computers could stop working, right? if it’s programmed to start on 99 and all the sudden it’s 00...”


“Well, can you imagine? These computers not turning on?  Not just personal computers, but imagine all the computers out there -traffic lights, electric grids, banks, transportation systems, air traffic control, airplanes even!  I mean, airplanes could fall out of the sky...”

“Really?” Smith says in utter awe.

“Well, probably not,” Butler says, moving on, “but that’s what we’re looking into...”

“I see...”

Smith runs back to the office and writes an article.  The article is picked up by the USA Today, Fox News, People, and just like that childhood game of telephone, with every new version of the story, it grows in embellishment: What will happen when the clock strikes midnight of January 1st, year 2000?  Will everything cease to work?

Will personal computers be forever dead, unable to turn back on?

Will electrical grids stop working?

Will cities be frozen with gridlock?

Will bank accounts be completely erased deleted to zero?

Will planes all out of the sky?

Each new story augments the hypotheticals further and further, stirring the mix that is America’s imagination.  Images of utter chaos fill the airwaves.




Planes falling out of the sky!


Cats and dogs living together!

The end of civilization!

Images of chaos flash across the screen, like flipping through TV channels, each image narrated by the voice of a newscaster: one is watching the Statue of Liberty burn to the ground!  Another rioters topple the Hollywood sign in Los Angeles!  Another British voice announcing that London Bridge has fallen down!

Then we hear hear the gravely voice of an old man.  It’s Iron Mike McGee:

“it’s gonna be the end of everything we know, the federal government, the one world government, banks, grocery stores, I mean, how do you get organes up here in the spring time? The nearest orange is 3000 miles away.  They ship them up here in trucks.  Well, how do they put fuel in trucks? With pumps. And what do the pumps run on? Electricity? And if Y2K knocks out our electrical grid... not just oranges, but everything else...”

Iron Mike McGee is looking into the face of his teenage nephew, Hank. And he’s telling him that the world is about to end.  

What happens from here?

Some of the few interesting things my uncle forwards me


September 1933 - Adolf Hitler breaks ground on his ambitious plans to link all major German cities with highways.  This ceremony kicked off construction of the Frankfurt-am-Maine - Darmstadt/Mannheim highway. 

Betty White at home with her dog in 1952 

An iceberg photographed in 1912 bearing an unmistakable mark of black and red paint.  It is believed that this is the iceberg that sake the Titanic. 

Ham the chimp returns to Earth following his historic 16 minute space flight in 1961. 

The rather luxurious seating area of the submarine, The Protector, in 1902. 

The fuel tanks of the B-24H Liberator "Little Warrior" explode over Germany after being hit by anti-aircraft guns in 1944. 

The Kennedy family leave the funeral of John F. Kennedy in 1963. 

Native American couple, Situwuka and Katkwachsnea in 1912. 

Camp Commandant Amon Goeth, infamous from the movie "Schindler's List", on the balcony of his house overlooking Plaszow labor camp, Poland . 1943-44. 

Construction of the Sydney Opera House in 1966. 

1945 - German POWs weep and sit in disgust as they watch footage shot at a German concentration camp. 

June 1915, Gallipoli: a Turkish sniper/sharpshooter, dressed as a tree, is captured by two Anzacs. 

Dinosaurs are transported on the Hudson River to the 1964 World's Fair.

Children for sale in Chicago , 1948.  Some parents sold their children due to poverty. 

Mourners pay their respect to slain civil rights leader, Medgar Evars in 1963.  His killer was finally convicted in 1994.

Union prisoners receive rations at Fort Sumter in 1864. 

The mugshot of Tokyo Rose, 1946. 

A rescue boat comes alongside the crippled USS West Virginia shortly after the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941. 

Two childhood friends unexpectedly reunite on opposite sides of a demonstration in 1972. 

Survivors of the Titanic are taken on board the Carpathiain 1912. 

WieluĊ„ just after German Luftwaffe bombing the 1st of September 1939. Not only did this bombing provide a spark for World War II, but it is generally believed to be the first terrorist bombing in history. 

Soviet soldiers stand dumfounded at a large pile of human ashes found at the Majdanek concentration camp in 1944. 

A burial at sea on board the USS Lexington in 1944. 

Crowds rush through the castle on Disneyland 's opening day in 1955. 

A lion rides in the sidecar during a performance of The Wall of Death carnival attraction at Revere Beach , Massachusetts in 1929. 

Future presidents Bill Clinton and George Bush with Governor George Wallace at a BBQ in 1983.



Dr. Werhner von Braun and Walt Disney in 1954. 

T he Statue of Liberty photographed during a power failure in 1942. 

The RMS Olympic, the Titanic's sister ship, in wartime camouflage in 1915. 

Anastasia shares a smoke with her father, Tsar Nicholas II two years before their assassination in 1916. 

Soldiers comfort each other during the Korean war in the early 1950's. 

Stephen Hawking marries Jane Wilde in 1965. 

Albert Einstein brings sexy back in 1932. 

What is thought to be the oldest known war photograph: New Hampshire volunteers depart for the Mexican War in 1846. 

Coney Island in 1905. 

George W. Bush plays a little dirty rugby for Yale in 1966. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger shows off to some elderly women in the 1970's. 

Six year-old Arthur Conan-Doyle in 1865.  ne/images/GNjb4kL.jpg 

Construction of Hoover Dam in 1934.






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Sunday, July 7, 2013

Where did this come from?

Sometimes... the writing I dig out of my computer... what the hell?

My favorite cats are green-eyed Cheshires
I sing them songs of sparrows and mice
And leave tin cans of spiced minced meat
Under random cottonwood trees

I’m secretly trying to lure them
The entire conspiracy of green-eyed Cheshires
Down from their cottonwood tree
A grinning, ear-twitching green-eyed Cheshire
Your grin belies your silver spiked teeth
With peppered fur and midget’s bells
Your grin belies your silver spiked teeth
“Come down from your fair tree!” I sing
then add a line about sparrows and mice.

            “Sparrows and mice live just fine
            La la la LEE, la la  la LEEE
la la la LEEE la  la la laaaaaaaahhhhh….”

Stealing leaves from a green-eyed Cheshire
Singing songs about spallows and mice
Luring a green-eyed Cheshire,
“come down from your fair tree!” 
Peppered fur and a midget’s bell
Grinning, twitching eared, green-eyed Cheshire
Obsession with Cheshires.
Feel her soft skin
Come down from you fair tree!
And those incriminating feathers,
Yellow blue and burgundy
Circling your chest like a Hollywood ball boa

Come down from your fair tree!
Sweet, green-eyed Cheshire
Your grin belies your silver spiked teeth
I will sing you songs about sparrows and mice
May you grant me one silent wish

Friday, July 5, 2013

Planet Revenge: Scene 2. On the rocky coast of Scotland.

SCENE 2, PLOT B. Rocky coast of Scotland. [Sharks]

It's one of those rolling green fields , clear blue skies and blustery seashore scenes ubiquitous with Scotland. 

There are a couple stone huts in a village taken out of the Highlander, Game of Thrones, or the Hobbit.

A red-headed child, about ten years old (think Ron Howard in the Andy Griffith show) bounces excited into the kitchen to find his mother washing dishes/cooking mutton/spinning wool. She could be Helen Hunt

"Mummy!" He cries in a strong but still intelligible accent. "They're swimming in the bay!"

"What?" Asks Mum, distracted momentarily from her food/dinnerware/apparel manufacturing.

"They're swimming in Dundee Bay!"

"Who'd be silly enough to swim out there?"

"Craig and Brian and nearly all my class! They're swimming."

"Oh my! It's never been warm enough to swim in these waters."

"I'm going to join them!"

"Ok, but stay with your brother." She's barely able to add the warning before the child bounces out the door and down to the waters seen from the kitchen window.